A Decline in Hope

 The one thing that DH and I have had going for us in our entire 'trying to have living kids' journey is the fact that we pretty much ALWAYS reach blast. All but one or two months we tried to get pregnant, we did. Now most of those were chemicals, or losses, but the ratio of pregnancies to attempts was amazingly, improbably, consistently high. That was the main reason why our RE thought our outcomes from IVF might be better than you'd expect from our numbers.

Round one bore that out. Two fertilized led to two blasts for biopsy.

Round two marked the end of that hope. Just like last cycle, we had three mature, but only two fertilized. Unlike last cycle, neither met the criteria for biopsy and freezing.

I've known from the start that we had a very low chance of success, given my age and numbers. I know that adding PGS, while necessary due to the cerclage, realistically lowers our odds even further. Today though, was the first time I felt in my soul that we really have no chance. It was the first time I felt convinced that this is just the proverbial fool's errand.

We have two rounds of IVF covered by insurance, and we'll use them both. I am still maintaining a strict anti-inflammatory, low carb diet. I am taking all of the supplements. I am doing every last thing I can think of to do to maximize our chances. I haven't given up in my behaviors, but I think I've given up in my heart.

This sucks. But you know what? Yesterday, just after the call from embryology, T came upstairs for snack time. I squatted down to meet her at the top of the stairs and the first thing she did was run to me for a hug. So as much as it sucks that there probably won't be another tiny human for us, I have everything I could ever possibly want right here already.