Microblog Monday: Waiting Fatigue

As I sit here, waiting on the day 6 call, which has led to the wait for a day 7 call for the last two cycles, I realize just how much the endless waiting is wearing on me. There was the waiting for CD1. The waiting for the call to say I was cleared to start stims. The waiting for the first monitoring appointment where I'd get a sense of how things would go. The waiting for an entire extra cycle due to cancellation. The waiting for trigger instructions. The waiting for retrieval. The waiting for the fertilization call. The waiting for the day 6 and day 7 calls. The waiting for the PGS calls. So much waiting. 

I feel intensely guilty and selfish to admit this, but I almost want to get a 'nothing to biopsy' call today, because that means I won't have to wait on the CCS call. It would most likely mean the end of the road for us, but I'm honestly so fatigued that I might be ready. I never felt this way in the past. Despite all the losses and surgeries and treatment cycles and the awful HG pregnancies, I was ok with waiting because waiting meant something good might happen.

Now is somehow different. Perhaps because it's not just that it's waiting, it's that it's incredibly high-stakes, life changing, physically demanding waiting. I've been sick enough with bad nausea for the last two retrievals that it's been a harsh reminder of what I'd have to wait through for 9 months of pregnancy. In addition, psychologists talk about being in a state of 'activation.' If I'm honest with myself, all this waiting has meant endless activation. And now our nanny is out sick, and it looks like it might be COVID, so we're waiting on her test with the knowledge that we'll have to cancel our last retrieval cycle if it's positive. And I had promised myself I just had to wait through one last retrieval, which mean 3-4 last weeks, but if this is COVID, it'll be at least two months. Although two months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, it might be the proverbial wait that broke the camel's back.