More monitoring yesterday, in the cycle that never ends. After 14 days of stims, I have follicles at 18.5 and an 19.5, and my lining is 6.7. I wish I had more confidence in those measurements. Friday's nurse is one who seems to be pretty accurate, but Thursday's nurse gave me measurements of 18.5 and 19, and lining at 5.48. When I asked nurse Thursday about endometrial pattern, if it was triple, she seemed confused and told me it was 'getting there.' My previous monitoring sessions all had shown triple, so that was a change. It also seems odd that the follicles would stop growing at this point, while my E2 doubled overnight. Thursday's nurse is one who often produces seemingly odd measurements from one day to the next (e.g., no growth at all for two visits, then a huge jump at the third), so I'm not highly confident about the reliability of her measurements. I'm going to hope that Friday's measurements are right, and that I get Friday's nurse again today!
And yes, I said today. They want to see my lining reach 7 or greater, so I was to do another day of stims/estrace/sildenafil/dexamethasone and return for my 7th visit Saturday. Excluding the med costs, we've spent $3,900 at CCRM just for monitoring appointments and bloodwork for this TI cycle. I'd say the cost is making me nauseous, but I think that's from the estrace! I'm really hoping that my lining gets better and my follicles don't get over-cooked. I had an electro-acupuncture session yesterday, for whatever that's worth.
Given this cost and the medication usage, I think my 'three strikes" plan will be down to one last shot after this one, if this cycle doesn't work. And let's get real: who expects this to work after 15 days of stims? Blah. How do you go from 2-3 mature in 8 days in February to 2 in 15 days in May? Again, blah.
Tied in extra innings, but the home team's looking weary.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
Microblog Mondays: It's Gonna Be a Good Day When. ..
Welcome to Microblog Mondays! Want to learn more and read more? Head over to Stirrup Queens for the details!
You know your day is off to a swimming start when you have to give yourself your Menopur shot at work before your 7 am call, and as you're getting everything ready, the syringe rolls off the back of the credenza and gets stuck in the 1" gap between credenza and wall, where neither your arm nor a coat hanger can reach.
In general, I think there are two reactions to that type of situation: you laugh or you cry. On reflection, there's probably a third, which is 'you swear copiously'. I started with that one, then moved on to the laughter. Thousands of dollars, stress, heartbreak, a belly that looks like a pincushion, and it all gets stymied by a 400 pound credenza? I pick laughter, because the alternative would probably be madness. Hell, maybe this IS madness and laughter is how you make the best of it. Thousands of dollars, stress, heartbreak, and I'm going to continue to try to find the simple joys in life, including mocking my own absurdity. (Yes, I did go fishing with a coat-hanger to fish it out, and yes, I was eventually successful knocking it free using an easel-size, cardboard-backed post-it note pad!) If I'm realistic, the alternative for me would probably be sanity, and THAT is a place I never want to go! :)
You know your day is off to a swimming start when you have to give yourself your Menopur shot at work before your 7 am call, and as you're getting everything ready, the syringe rolls off the back of the credenza and gets stuck in the 1" gap between credenza and wall, where neither your arm nor a coat hanger can reach.
In general, I think there are two reactions to that type of situation: you laugh or you cry. On reflection, there's probably a third, which is 'you swear copiously'. I started with that one, then moved on to the laughter. Thousands of dollars, stress, heartbreak, a belly that looks like a pincushion, and it all gets stymied by a 400 pound credenza? I pick laughter, because the alternative would probably be madness. Hell, maybe this IS madness and laughter is how you make the best of it. Thousands of dollars, stress, heartbreak, and I'm going to continue to try to find the simple joys in life, including mocking my own absurdity. (Yes, I did go fishing with a coat-hanger to fish it out, and yes, I was eventually successful knocking it free using an easel-size, cardboard-backed post-it note pad!) If I'm realistic, the alternative for me would probably be sanity, and THAT is a place I never want to go! :)
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Bottom of the Ninth, Home Team's Down
It's stim day 8, and I'm down to two follicles at 9.5, lining of only 5.2, and estrogen's dropped from the 700's to the 200's.
By this total stim dose, I had 3 mature last cycle and 2 mature the previous cycle. Even during my second cycle, where I didn't really respond, I had one at 9.8 after "only" 600 iU of stims, and now I'm 2300 of follistim and 600 of Menopur.
The home team is down, by a lot, at the bottom of the ninth with two strikes and a blind guy at bat.
I'm to drop to one vaginal estrace a day, keep my stims the same, and return on Tuesday. I'm really down about this, but I won't give up hope until the end, since we didn't have a good response during Quinn's cycle, and yet Quinn was perfect. So I'll hold on to hope the way I wish I could have held onto Quinn.
It can still get better. Miracles can still happen. I've carried three of them.
By this total stim dose, I had 3 mature last cycle and 2 mature the previous cycle. Even during my second cycle, where I didn't really respond, I had one at 9.8 after "only" 600 iU of stims, and now I'm 2300 of follistim and 600 of Menopur.
The home team is down, by a lot, at the bottom of the ninth with two strikes and a blind guy at bat.
I'm to drop to one vaginal estrace a day, keep my stims the same, and return on Tuesday. I'm really down about this, but I won't give up hope until the end, since we didn't have a good response during Quinn's cycle, and yet Quinn was perfect. So I'll hold on to hope the way I wish I could have held onto Quinn.
It can still get better. Miracles can still happen. I've carried three of them.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Life's Curveballs
Tomorrow's the big day: cancel or continue. Our cycle, that is. I'd like to be hopeful that we'll get to continue. My day 5 estrogen was great. I've always (eventually) responded before. I switched to Gonal-F, which previously gave me my best response ever. I'm doing great with diet, rest, acupuncture, and stress. Everything really should be perfect. This should be as good a cycle as our first one.
Should doesn't seem to equal "is" often in my life. I've noticed that the nice, fertile CM I had earlier this week is gone. I won't be surprised if my estrogen has dropped. I'm hopeful, but realistic. I had planned for three strikes and you're out, treatment-wise, but maybe I'm going to get carted off the field before my first at-bat, when I get hit in the head with a pitch gone wild.
Don't you just love life's curve balls?
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
No Response
No response from my ovaries. No response from my uterus. Lining below 4, follicles below 6.
Increase dosage, return on Saturday.
It's not looking good, ya'll. I'm on a much higher dosage than I was for my last 'no response' cycle, and still, nothing. Heck, with Quinn's cycle, I'd had half the FSH of this cycle, and still had a follicle at almost 10.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, since I ovulated so late my last two cycles. Apparently my ovaries are off. Glad to see my months of acupuncture and clean eating are working wonders. Amazing that I responded in December and February, but not now. Maybe that means there's hope for a better result in the future. Optimism springs eternal.
Increase dosage, return on Saturday.
It's not looking good, ya'll. I'm on a much higher dosage than I was for my last 'no response' cycle, and still, nothing. Heck, with Quinn's cycle, I'd had half the FSH of this cycle, and still had a follicle at almost 10.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, since I ovulated so late my last two cycles. Apparently my ovaries are off. Glad to see my months of acupuncture and clean eating are working wonders. Amazing that I responded in December and February, but not now. Maybe that means there's hope for a better result in the future. Optimism springs eternal.
Monday, May 14, 2018
Mother's Day Nostalgia
Welcome to Microblog Mondays! Want to learn more and read more? Head over to Stirrup Queens for the details!
Mother's Day is an oddly conflicted day when you're a mother but have no living children. I am glad that I got to enjoy my 23rd year doing Race for the Cure with my mom. She's a two time breast cancer survivor (victor?), and we've done Race together each year since the first one after she finished chemo. Different states run it at different times of the year, but in MN, it's on Mother's Day, which is a nice tradition. That said, it was hard to be doing the same course again this year that I did last year while pregnant with Quinn. The pain isn't acute, but there was a gnawing sense of loss remembering the spots on the course where I had to stop for dry heaves last year. Only in the land of loss and hormones does one get nostalgic about nausea!
I'm a few days into my 'strike 1' treatment cycle. I say 'strike 1' because we're adopting a 'three strikes and you're out' model. Three last cycles, then we stop treatment. At baseline, I had an AFC of 6. Not my best, not my worst, either. I can hope that I'll get a few mature to boost my estrogen. I am trying to hope that acupuncture and sildenafil will also help my lining out. Alas, my period after ~ 2 months of acupuncture wasn't much more than spotting, so I'm not expecting any miracles (although I'm hoping for them). If I can get to 7 and trilaminar, I'll be thrilled. I do acupuncture Wednesday and Friday, yoga on Tuesday. Either it will help, or I'll know that I've done what I could. Relative wins, either way.
Just for record-keeping, this cycle I'm on: doxycycline 100mg 2x/day; dexamethasone 0.5 mg @ bedtime; Estrace 2mg 2x/day; sildenafil 25 mg suppositories @ bedtime; Menopur 1 vial in am; Follistim 225 iU in pm. I'm not sure if it's the intended effect, irritation, or an allergy to the compound medium but I feel swollen from the estrace and sildenafil. Fun times. First monitoring appointment tomorrow.
Mother's Day is an oddly conflicted day when you're a mother but have no living children. I am glad that I got to enjoy my 23rd year doing Race for the Cure with my mom. She's a two time breast cancer survivor (victor?), and we've done Race together each year since the first one after she finished chemo. Different states run it at different times of the year, but in MN, it's on Mother's Day, which is a nice tradition. That said, it was hard to be doing the same course again this year that I did last year while pregnant with Quinn. The pain isn't acute, but there was a gnawing sense of loss remembering the spots on the course where I had to stop for dry heaves last year. Only in the land of loss and hormones does one get nostalgic about nausea!
I'm a few days into my 'strike 1' treatment cycle. I say 'strike 1' because we're adopting a 'three strikes and you're out' model. Three last cycles, then we stop treatment. At baseline, I had an AFC of 6. Not my best, not my worst, either. I can hope that I'll get a few mature to boost my estrogen. I am trying to hope that acupuncture and sildenafil will also help my lining out. Alas, my period after ~ 2 months of acupuncture wasn't much more than spotting, so I'm not expecting any miracles (although I'm hoping for them). If I can get to 7 and trilaminar, I'll be thrilled. I do acupuncture Wednesday and Friday, yoga on Tuesday. Either it will help, or I'll know that I've done what I could. Relative wins, either way.
Just for record-keeping, this cycle I'm on: doxycycline 100mg 2x/day; dexamethasone 0.5 mg @ bedtime; Estrace 2mg 2x/day; sildenafil 25 mg suppositories @ bedtime; Menopur 1 vial in am; Follistim 225 iU in pm. I'm not sure if it's the intended effect, irritation, or an allergy to the compound medium but I feel swollen from the estrace and sildenafil. Fun times. First monitoring appointment tomorrow.
Monday, April 30, 2018
The Best Advice I Never Followed
Welcome to Microblog Mondays! Want to learn more and read more? Head over to Stirrup Queens for the details!
One of my stress-relief activities is to read various online forums. I stick mostly to forums related to infertility/loss and those related to finances. What can I say - you'll need the finances to afford the fertility treatments!
Anyhow, on one of the finance forums, a poster has recently been told she'll have trouble TTC. Initial lab results came up with borderline low AMH, although her AFC is great. She is, understandably, freaking out and only focusing on the bad news. As a result, she seems to be having a really hard emotional time. She's only at the start of the IF process and her self-report anxiety is through the roof.
My heart hurts for her reading her words. I want to reach out and tell her: In the IF world, sometimes you're going to get really crappy news, and eventually you'll find out that it was total bullshit. And sometimes you're going to get really good news, and eventually you'll find out that that was total bullshit, too. That's the nature of the IF beast - sometimes, what seems to be bad isn't and what seems to be good isn't, and you'll never know for sure when you first learn it. Try to give yourself some processing time, time to learn that the terrible isn't actually entirely terrible. Try to give yourself the grace to focus on the good stuff while you can. Try to find ways to care for yourself, because it can be a long road, and I'm certain it feels even longer if you travel all of it in a state of high anxiety. Try not to lose sight of hoping for the best while preparing for the worst.
I want to tell her that, but I won't, for two reasons. First, that's the sort of advice that nobody wants until they're ready to hear it, and she's not ready. Second, I think it's pretty good advice, but I've yet to master doing it myself, so suggesting it to others is pretty hypocritical. So, here's to me, and her, and all of us giving ourselves the grace to focus on the good stuff while we can.
One of my stress-relief activities is to read various online forums. I stick mostly to forums related to infertility/loss and those related to finances. What can I say - you'll need the finances to afford the fertility treatments!
Anyhow, on one of the finance forums, a poster has recently been told she'll have trouble TTC. Initial lab results came up with borderline low AMH, although her AFC is great. She is, understandably, freaking out and only focusing on the bad news. As a result, she seems to be having a really hard emotional time. She's only at the start of the IF process and her self-report anxiety is through the roof.
My heart hurts for her reading her words. I want to reach out and tell her: In the IF world, sometimes you're going to get really crappy news, and eventually you'll find out that it was total bullshit. And sometimes you're going to get really good news, and eventually you'll find out that that was total bullshit, too. That's the nature of the IF beast - sometimes, what seems to be bad isn't and what seems to be good isn't, and you'll never know for sure when you first learn it. Try to give yourself some processing time, time to learn that the terrible isn't actually entirely terrible. Try to give yourself the grace to focus on the good stuff while you can. Try to find ways to care for yourself, because it can be a long road, and I'm certain it feels even longer if you travel all of it in a state of high anxiety. Try not to lose sight of hoping for the best while preparing for the worst.
I want to tell her that, but I won't, for two reasons. First, that's the sort of advice that nobody wants until they're ready to hear it, and she's not ready. Second, I think it's pretty good advice, but I've yet to master doing it myself, so suggesting it to others is pretty hypocritical. So, here's to me, and her, and all of us giving ourselves the grace to focus on the good stuff while we can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)