13 weeks

Baby girl looked really good at her ultrasound this past week. We saw her smacking her lips and putting her hand to her face. We go back for the anatomy scan at 19 weeks on July 7. The twins were born on the day their anatomy scan was supposed to take place, so I'm apprehensive about making it that far, but all I can do is wait and hope for the best.

The MFM we spoke to told us there was nothing we could do to prevent another pprom. If we'd pprom'd with the twins after 20 weeks, they'd give me progesterone shots this time. But we didn't, so they won't. If I'd had cervical issues, they'd do a cerclage. But I didn't. They won't even monitor my cervix because it wasn't a problem last time. I got the usual bullshit answer that bacteria from the vagina can't get into the pregnant uterus unless the water breaks. On the upside, this MFM actually spoke about research evidence, instead of platitudes and headpats. He reiterated what appears to be true from the research I've read: there's not much evidence to suggest you can make a difference in pprom prior to 20 weeks, in cases with no known cause. And I don't have the same risk factors this time: no twins, no bleeding, no CVS. So they're hopeful. As for the statistics? There's about a 25% chance of pprom in a subsequent pregnancy when a woman pprom'd in a previous pregnancy. So we have a 75% shot of making it to term. I guess that's better than our shot of getting pregnant, and we've achieved that, so there's hope, right? No matter what, Baby Girl, your mom and dad love you like crazy and want you to hang out in there and be healthy until at least November!

how far along? 13 weeks

how are you measuring? She was measuring a few days ahead at Tuesday's ultrasound. They showed 13w1d based on CRL. 
size of baby? Peapod

heartbeat?  148 bpm

total weight gain/loss? 120. 2 pounds

maternity clothes? I'm in the awkward stage where my loose clothes aren't really loose enough, but I don't have enough of a bump for maternity. Bleh. 
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Up every 2 hours to pee. Feel miserable when I do, until about 2 am.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nope.
gender predictions? She's a girl!!!!
what i miss? Going out to eat and not barfing afterward. Every time we go out to eat I puke. 
what i'm looking forward to? My Dad & step mom will be here this week. I am super excited to see them. We'll be taking a long weekend to go up to the Boundary Waters, to the B&B DH and I were at when we were first pregnant with the twins. It'll be a bit of a private memorial for them, and I can't think of anything more fitting, as DH and I were so excited to make the Boundary Waters a family tradition when we were expecting them.
how are you feeling? Still awful. Less constant, completely overwhelming nausea, more retching and puking with no warning. More digestive unhappiness. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? Nothing new this week. 

12 weeks

Well, we got GREAT news on Thursday - NIPT testing revealed none of the common trisomies or sex chromosome issues. Also, she's a baby girl! I couldn't stop crying. I can't tell you how happy I am. That said, I'm now kind of freaking that something will be wrong at Tuesday's scan. I'm terrified that we won't see a heartbeat. I love this baby girl more than I can say, I want to see her grow up, healthy and happy, and I'm unable to believe that we'll be that lucky this time. Monday I'll be making an appointment with a counselor who specializes in stillbirth, difficult deliveries, and infertility. 

how far along? 12 weeks

how are you measuring? No new updates here, so we'll assume normal.
size of baby? tangerine

heartbeat?  We'll find out on Tuesday.

total weight gain/loss? Back to 120, so 2 pounds. I'm still throwing up every few days now I'm off the reglan. It sucks.

maternity clothes? The belly band came out this weekend, and will probably get used this week. I'm on the cusp of my fat pants being too tight, but not yet ready for maternity, especially until I know if she's ok on Tuesday.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Up every 2 hours to pee.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nope.
gender predictions? She's a girl!!!!
what i miss? Going out to eat and not barfing afterward. Every time we go out to eat I puke. 
what i'm looking forward to? I'm praying I'll see her heartbeat on Tuesday, and the MFM will help us with a plan to avoid pprom this time.
how are you feeling? Still awful. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? The smell aversions have come on really strong in the last week. That happened last time, but much earlier. I'm praying this ends with the end of the first tri and I can just enjoy being pregnant in the second tri - but I'll put up with anything if she's safe, healthy, and term when she arrives. 

11 weeks

Sorry to miss a week. I was traveling, so week 10, aka 'kumquat' got skipped. Since then, I've eaten my way through all of Southern California (yum) while enjoying a puke-free week on reglan, and then puked my way through the last few days when I had to stop the reglan. 

how far along? 11 weeks

how are you measuring? No new updates here, so we'll assume normal.
size of baby? fig or lego figure

heartbeat?  171 at 8 weeks 6 days. We'll see again at 12w5d.

total weight gain/loss? I'm up to 122 from 118, so 4 pounds. See earlier comments about SoCal eating. No real regrets, I hit all my favorite places one last time.
maternity clothes? Nope, but I am consistently wearing my "fat" pants for comfort.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Pretty sound until midnight or so, then awake every hour.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nope.
gender predictions? Boy. Should find out by the Wednesday after next. 
what i miss? Smoked salmon! We have a tradition, going back more than 20 years since my mom first had breast cancer - we do Race for the Cure together. For the last 10+ years, it's been followed by breakfast which always included bagels (gluten free) and smoked salmon. I'm so sad to miss that tradition this year. 
what i'm looking forward to? I'm just praying for good NIPT results in the coming days. I can't bring myself to hope, given our history. If all is well, I'll be thrilled to find out the gender. 
how are you feeling? Awful. More puking in the last two days that in the past weeks. The reglan worked amazingly well in every way, and I'd still be on it except for the fact that it made me start lactating. I couldn't figure out why my boobs were hurting so badly, until suddenly it became clear after a shower Thursday morning. So, back to nausea, burping, puking, and constipation. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? I've gained so much more weight. Last time I was still down 7 pounds at the end of the second tri. Now I"m up 4 with two weeks to go. I need to be more careful about my eating, so I don't cause problems for myself and the lego. 

9 weeks

We've made it through another milestone: 2nd ultrasound! It was pretty awesome. The kiddo has grown quite a bit, and actually wiggled at us. Seeing the heartbeat never fails to amaze me. We have a long way to go, and the farthest ahead I can think is the next milestone, but for today I am pregnant and love the little wiggler!

how far along? 9 weeks

how are you measuring? Depends on who is counting. Based on LMP, I was spot on during Wednesday's ultrasound - 8w6d. Based on ovulation, I'm one day ahead. Since I triggered and know when I ovulated, I'm confident in this, but it seems the doctors will keep the LMP date.
size of baby? table grape

heartbeat?  171 at 8 weeks 6 days! So happy about this.
total weight gain/loss? Somewhere between 1 and 2 lbs. 
maternity clothes? Nope, but I am consistently wearing my "fat" pants for comfort.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Nausea's been getting worse so I've been going to bed earlier with unisom/b6. 
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit. DH got me red starburst and they're awesome. I definitely have fewer aversions this time, and on good days I'm able to eat healthier this pregnancy than last.
gender predictions? Boy. Completely sure this is a boy. After getting a UTI at ovulation, I had to take Azoo, which makes you pee orange. Thus I'm referring to the baby as Clem (short for Clementine), for now, and have been pitching that as baby's name. Drives DH nuts! :)
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. At least my toilets are clean, because I've been spending more quality time up close and personal with them.
what i'm looking forward to? Waiting for the genetic counselor to call me about NIPT testing. Hopefully we can do that appointment the day I get back from my trip. IT'll be two weeks for results - and that's the next milestone I an terrified of. I want to get that over with. Why is the unknown so hard?  Also looking forward to weaning from progesterone and estrogen. Oh, to be done with smurf crotch would be a wondrous thing!
how are you feeling? Bad in the mornings, ghastly at night. It feels like nothing I eat moves during the day, so my stomach is so bloated and distended by evening, and I want to puke constantly. I started Reglan today, which should help. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? As bad as the nausea is, it must be better than last time, because last time I couldn't bear to be at a computer if I didn't have to, and this time, here I am. No weight loss this time. My thyroid function is still normal this time (1.4) as opposed to hyperthyroid last time (.2). Only had to use my puke bucket in the car once so far, as opposed to every day. 

8 weeks

Depending on how Wednesday's appointment goes, this may be my last one of these, but I figure it won't hurt to type, even if it is. 

how far along? 8 weeks
how are you measuring? I was spot on during the ultrasound 4/10. We'll see what's going on this coming Wednesday. 
size of baby? kidney bean
heartbeat?  116 at 6 weeks 3 days - praying we still see one and it's on target at 8 weeks 5 days
total weight gain/loss? 1 lbs, although I think it's bloat
maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm hoping I'll get to wear them again, but not ready to plan for it.
stretch marks? I've got some on my boobs from last time. I went up a cup size with the girls, and that seems to be sticking around.
sleep?  Thanks to the nausea, I'm taking B6 and half a unisom at night. That's getting me more sleep than normal. Also, this really weird thing happens to me in pregnancy where I pee LESS during the night than my normal every-2-hours. I've been told I have a titled uterus. Maybe pregnancy keeps it from pressing on my bladder?
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit. DH got me red starburst and they're awesome.
gender predictions? Boy. Completely sure this is a boy.
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. Seeing a correlation between dietary fiber and regularity.
what i'm looking forward to? On the baby front, I got really nervous about having my OB appointment before my next u/s with the RE, so I moved the u/s. It's Wednesday now. I'm terrified, but wll feel better once I know the outcome. If there isn't a heartbeat any longer, I can discuss management options with my OB later that day at my OB appt. On the non-baby front, only about two weeks left until I get to visit friends and family back in CA. 
how are you feeling? Unless I'm really hungry, I feel pretty awful. The retching still isn't as bad as last time, and I've only had to run for the toilet twice so far, but any time I eat, no matter what or how little, the gas and the nausea are awful. Friday morning I promised myself I wouldn't have to move at all this weekend, and I may keep that promise. Acne seems to be tapering off, but all of a sudden I've got tons of canker sores. Bleh. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? No weight loss this time, although that may be coming as I reach the point where I start avoiding meals rather than feeling awful. No need to have a bucket in my lap for my evening commute. Food aversions and super nose just started this week, which is late compared to last time. More bloated.

7 weeks

I've never done this before, because the first time it seemed too optimistic (it was) and with the twins I was too sick to sit at a computer. It's still too optimistic, but what the heck, let's try this time.

how far along? 7 weeks
how are you measuring? I was spot on during the ultrasound on Tuesday.
size of baby? size of a blueberry
heartbeat?  116 at 6 weeks 3 days
total weight gain/loss? 0 lbs
maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm hoping I'll get to wear them again, but not ready to plan for it.
stretch marks? I've got some on my boobs from last time. I went up a cup size with the girls, and that seems to be sticking around.
sleep?  Thanks to the nausea, I'm taking B6 and half a unisom at night. That's getting me more sleep than normal. Also, this really weird thing happens to me in pregnancy where I pee LESS during the night than my normal every-2-hours. I've been told I have a titled uterus. Maybe pregnancy keeps it from pressing on my bladder?
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit.
gender predictions? Boy. I am so sure this is a boy.
what i miss? Not feeling nauseous. Being hopeful that things might work out. I'm not sure why getting pregnant makes me less hopeful, but it does.
what i'm looking forward to? On the baby front, I'm just waiting for the next ultrasound on the 27th. I'll be 8 weeks, 6 days. The last two mornings there's been zero bloat when I woke up. That never happened with the girls, but did happen with my MMC. I am so scared there won't be a heartbeat any more. On the non-baby front, I will be visiting friends and family in my home state in early May, and I'm really looking forward to that.
how are you feeling? Nauseous. Not as bad as last time, and I have moments of feeling normal, but I also have moments of feeling awful. Also I've got all the burps in the world, and nothing short of Draino will get my digestive system moving.
comparisons to last pregnancy? Most of the symptoms are more mild - except maybe the slow digestive system. I've also got a ton of acne this time, which once again makes me think boy instead of girl.

116

116.

116 beats per minute. That's the little heart beat we saw this afternoon. Despite infections, inflammation, and sub optimal follicles, this little one is certainly trying.

So the nausea of the past few weeks isn't entirely psychosomatic, because we have a heartbeat. Baby is measuring 6 weeks 3 days, which is spot on compared to ovulation. I'll spare you the grainy ultrasound photos, but you can imagine a blob. It's a blob I am already in love with.

I see my OB for the first time in two weeks, and then have another ultrasound with my RE the day after. I am cautiously hopeful, but I won't say optimistic. I don't think there's going to be optimism in this pregnancy, not after how the last one turned out. There is love - I love all 5.5 mm of this little one. I'm still talking to him daily (no idea the gender, but I'm 99.999% sure in my soul it's a boy this time, so I'll go with male pronouns until I find out otherwise). I've been asking his sisters and grandparents to watch over him and keep him healthy. I've been asking him to grow strong and healthy. We'll see what the coming weeks bring.