Quinn's Birth Story

Earlier I wrote about Alexis and Zoe’s birth. Given the similarity in circumstances with Quinn’s pregnancy, I was very worried that her delivery would be similar. Fortunately, it was a night and day difference.

Monday the 24th, I went in for my routine antepartum ultrasound. I knew we’d be getting bad news, because I’d been leaking so much more fluid. I think the u/s showed that she still had some fluid, but it also showed that her feet and cord were fully engaged in the birth canal. She was breech with her little legs crossed. We knew then that it was over.

The doctors and residents came in for rounds about an hour later and told us what we were expecting – that I was in labor and she’d be born in the next day or two. The doctor, who was the most compassionate of those we had met, said delivery would probably be very fast. She told us they’d move us over to L&D when we were ready, but there was no rush.

We let our family know. While DH’s mom was in town, my dad and step mom had left for a few days because they’d had a friend who was visiting them at their home. They changed their flights to get back as soon as they could, but that was Tuesday the 25th.

I got up, for the first time in three weeks, and got a long, long shower. After that, we let the nurses know we were ready to go to L&D. A room opened up and we were moved somewhere between 11 and 12. I was having relatively painless contractions every 10 minutes or so. I knew I was contracting only because I could feel my belly get firm, but there was no pain. When I was up and walking around, I felt pressure and cramping in my back, but nothing that would actually be pain.

We stayed in the L&D room for about 2 hours, with the nurses checking in, but our doctor never came. Eventually we learned that once we moved to L&D, the perinatologist was no longer allowed to see us, so one of the hospital staff doctors would deliver Quinn. We politely but adamantly expressed dismay over that. A month earlier I’d asked who would deliver us when we were transferred to the university hospital where my OB doesn’t practice, and I was told perinatology would.  I didn’t want a complete stranger who didn’t know my history of hemorrhage there. We said this, and the nurse left.

About an hour later, the amazing perinatologist, Dr. Y., came in. She checked me using the ultrasound, and Quinn was engaged further with no fluid left, but not quite far enough out yet. Dr. Y told me to try walking for an hour. If we could get Quinn to deliver without further intervention, Dr. Y would break hospital rules to be the one to deliver, along with an OB resident. I walked for an hour, and Dr. Y and the resident came back. They used the ultrasound to see what was happening as I pushed, and guided me. It was amazingly calm and peaceful, and almost entirely pain-free. After a half dozen pushes or so, I could feel Quinn start to move. After another few pushes, she was out. Someone checked and confirmed Quinn was alive.

Dr. Y asked if we wanted to hold Quinn and then suggested we do delayed cord clamping to maximize our time with her. They wrapped her up and gave her to me, and holding her was so utterly amazing. She was tiny, but I could feel her move in my arms. That was the most wonderful, precious thing I’ve ever felt. The nurses got my MIL from the waiting room, so she could come in and see Quinn while she was still alive.

Eventually they cut the cord and gave Quinn to us. She was such a fighter that she was still alive. They also started me on Pitocin as the placenta hadn’t delivered. We just held our daughter and let the doctors do their thing, and eventually the placenta did deliver. After about an hour and a quarter, the nurse checked Quinn’s heartbeat and she was gone. They took her, wrapped her up in a new blanket, and gave her back to us so we could spend more time with her. It wasn’t enough. It could never have been enough.

I am so grateful for such a calm, peaceful experience. I am so grateful for the time we got with Quinn, and that Quinn got to meet one of her grandmas. I am so grateful that this delivery went smoothly, and Dr. Y was willing to stay with us. During a day of utter heartbreak, those things were rays of light. Afterward, they let me go back to spend the night in my old room in Antepartum, and I was discharged the next morning.

The nurses took pictures of Quinn after she left our room, including the one above. I didn't find this picture until yesterday. It's funny because when she was born, I recall thinking that she didn't really look like anyone in our families. Seeing her in this photo, I realized she is the spitting image of my maternal grandmother. That is grandma's chin and nose, no doubt about it. I'm hoping that they're together somewhere now, and grandma is giving Quinn all the love and snuggles that I can't give her in person.

Nightmares revisited: 18 weeks

18 weeks pregnant with Zoe and Alexis was 7 days past pprom. Statistically speaking, once you make it 7 days out, you actually have a good shot of going the distance. When I woke up that morning, still in intense pain, I tried to remind myself of that. Of how great it was that we'd made it 7 days out. Something ominous in the back of my mind told me that I wouldn't have to live with the pain much longer.

Alexis' water broke that afternoon and I went into labor. The girls were delivered the next day. As a result, I hold a special amount of hatred toward 18 weeks, and had been looking forward to Sunday, when at 18 +2, I would be more pregnant than I've ever been before.

Last Wednesday was my OB appointment. Baby's heartbeat sounded great. Otherwise, no issues. Nausea is finally not so constant, and OB was thrilled that I was up 4 pounds (according to her scale. Mine said 7.)

Thursday was normal. Work, home, nausea, normal.

Friday was normal, except that I had this odd feeling in the back of my mind that I should wear a pad. So I did. Which turned out to be good, because when I went to the bathroom around 4:00 pm, there was blood. I tried to calm myself that it was brown and therefore old, but once I wiped I got a lot of fresh, dark red blood.

18 weeks can go fuck itself.

I'm now 18+1, and bleeding is mostly brown. Not heavy enough to go in. My anatomy scan is on Friday. The anatomy scan I never attended with the twins, because I was (literally) delivering Alexis when it was supposed to happen. I'm scared. I love this little girl.

Zoe, Alexis, no matter what happens, please watch out for your sister, ok? Love, your mom.

17 weeks

how far along? 17 weeks

how are you measuring? Won't know again until 7/7 - anatomy scan
size of baby? Pear (is that really bigger than last week? I'm suspicious of some of these fruit!)

heartbeat?  148 bpm at 12w

total weight gain/loss? +8 at 126

maternity clothes? Oh yeah. There's no sucking it in anymore, not even in the morning. Even when I lay down, it's clear that someone is growing in there, which makes me happy.

stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Ok. Up for peeing. Constant, weird dreams. 
movement? Yes!! I mostly feel it when I'm still, but I'm sure I'm feeling her. 
food cravings? Nope, although I'm thrilled to say that I'm back to eating more whole foods - salads, legumes, fish. It doesn't always stay down, but I seem to have dropped to only vomiting once a week, and if I can get anything other than processed carbs in, I'm thrilled!
gender predictions? Still a girl. 
what i miss? I've felt icky enough this week I didn't even miss wine and sushi. Is that a win or a loss? 
what i'm looking forward to? Just hoping to hear a healthy heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday. 
how are you feeling? I'm having brief moments without soul-crushing nausea, but only brief moments. I'm still puking occasionally, and retching in the afternoons. Can I dare to hope that the nausea-free moments will increase and the puking will keep decreasing? 
comparisons to last pregnancy? This was the week that Zoe's water broke. Friday will mark the gestational age when I went into labor. I find myself thinking a lot about what life would have been like if they'd made it closer to term. We'd have 3 month twins now. It's tough. I miss them. I love you, baby girls. 

14 weeks

how far along? 14 weeks

how are you measuring? Won't know again until 7/7 - anatomy scan
size of baby? Lemon!

heartbeat?  148 bpm at 12w

total weight gain/loss? Don't know - my scale's battery died, either that or my weight is just 'Lo' and I"m certain that's not the cases!

maternity clothes? Holy cow yes. In the last week, the bump arrived. 

stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Up every 2 hours to pee. Feel miserable when I do, until about 2 am.
movement? No longer sure - I feel tickling in a place I"ve never felt it. It's different than gas, different that my stomach's constant gurgling. It seems to early, but maybe it's her?
food cravings? Nope.
gender predictions? She's a girl!!!!
what i miss? Wine. We have family here and they're drinking wine every night. With all the losses and fertility treatment, it's been since November 15 since I've really had even a full glass of wine. I'm sad.
what i'm looking forward to? Leaving for the Boundary Waters this week! Local art fair today. 
how are you feeling? Still awful. Less constant, completely overwhelming nausea, more puking with no warning. More digestive unhappiness. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? I am now visually bigger at 14 weeks with one baby than I was at 18 weeks with two. I have hugely mixed feelings about this. On one hand, it's nice to be clearly pregnant. I was sad I never got that last time. On the other, it's awfully early to be this big. What comes next?!

13 weeks

Baby girl looked really good at her ultrasound this past week. We saw her smacking her lips and putting her hand to her face. We go back for the anatomy scan at 19 weeks on July 7. The twins were born on the day their anatomy scan was supposed to take place, so I'm apprehensive about making it that far, but all I can do is wait and hope for the best.

The MFM we spoke to told us there was nothing we could do to prevent another pprom. If we'd pprom'd with the twins after 20 weeks, they'd give me progesterone shots this time. But we didn't, so they won't. If I'd had cervical issues, they'd do a cerclage. But I didn't. They won't even monitor my cervix because it wasn't a problem last time. I got the usual bullshit answer that bacteria from the vagina can't get into the pregnant uterus unless the water breaks. On the upside, this MFM actually spoke about research evidence, instead of platitudes and headpats. He reiterated what appears to be true from the research I've read: there's not much evidence to suggest you can make a difference in pprom prior to 20 weeks, in cases with no known cause. And I don't have the same risk factors this time: no twins, no bleeding, no CVS. So they're hopeful. As for the statistics? There's about a 25% chance of pprom in a subsequent pregnancy when a woman pprom'd in a previous pregnancy. So we have a 75% shot of making it to term. I guess that's better than our shot of getting pregnant, and we've achieved that, so there's hope, right? No matter what, Baby Girl, your mom and dad love you like crazy and want you to hang out in there and be healthy until at least November!

how far along? 13 weeks

how are you measuring? She was measuring a few days ahead at Tuesday's ultrasound. They showed 13w1d based on CRL. 
size of baby? Peapod

heartbeat?  148 bpm

total weight gain/loss? 120. 2 pounds

maternity clothes? I'm in the awkward stage where my loose clothes aren't really loose enough, but I don't have enough of a bump for maternity. Bleh. 
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Up every 2 hours to pee. Feel miserable when I do, until about 2 am.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nope.
gender predictions? She's a girl!!!!
what i miss? Going out to eat and not barfing afterward. Every time we go out to eat I puke. 
what i'm looking forward to? My Dad & step mom will be here this week. I am super excited to see them. We'll be taking a long weekend to go up to the Boundary Waters, to the B&B DH and I were at when we were first pregnant with the twins. It'll be a bit of a private memorial for them, and I can't think of anything more fitting, as DH and I were so excited to make the Boundary Waters a family tradition when we were expecting them.
how are you feeling? Still awful. Less constant, completely overwhelming nausea, more retching and puking with no warning. More digestive unhappiness. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? Nothing new this week. 

12 weeks

Well, we got GREAT news on Thursday - NIPT testing revealed none of the common trisomies or sex chromosome issues. Also, she's a baby girl! I couldn't stop crying. I can't tell you how happy I am. That said, I'm now kind of freaking that something will be wrong at Tuesday's scan. I'm terrified that we won't see a heartbeat. I love this baby girl more than I can say, I want to see her grow up, healthy and happy, and I'm unable to believe that we'll be that lucky this time. Monday I'll be making an appointment with a counselor who specializes in stillbirth, difficult deliveries, and infertility. 

how far along? 12 weeks

how are you measuring? No new updates here, so we'll assume normal.
size of baby? tangerine

heartbeat?  We'll find out on Tuesday.

total weight gain/loss? Back to 120, so 2 pounds. I'm still throwing up every few days now I'm off the reglan. It sucks.

maternity clothes? The belly band came out this weekend, and will probably get used this week. I'm on the cusp of my fat pants being too tight, but not yet ready for maternity, especially until I know if she's ok on Tuesday.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Up every 2 hours to pee.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nope.
gender predictions? She's a girl!!!!
what i miss? Going out to eat and not barfing afterward. Every time we go out to eat I puke. 
what i'm looking forward to? I'm praying I'll see her heartbeat on Tuesday, and the MFM will help us with a plan to avoid pprom this time.
how are you feeling? Still awful. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? The smell aversions have come on really strong in the last week. That happened last time, but much earlier. I'm praying this ends with the end of the first tri and I can just enjoy being pregnant in the second tri - but I'll put up with anything if she's safe, healthy, and term when she arrives. 

11 weeks

Sorry to miss a week. I was traveling, so week 10, aka 'kumquat' got skipped. Since then, I've eaten my way through all of Southern California (yum) while enjoying a puke-free week on reglan, and then puked my way through the last few days when I had to stop the reglan. 

how far along? 11 weeks

how are you measuring? No new updates here, so we'll assume normal.
size of baby? fig or lego figure

heartbeat?  171 at 8 weeks 6 days. We'll see again at 12w5d.

total weight gain/loss? I'm up to 122 from 118, so 4 pounds. See earlier comments about SoCal eating. No real regrets, I hit all my favorite places one last time.
maternity clothes? Nope, but I am consistently wearing my "fat" pants for comfort.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Pretty sound until midnight or so, then awake every hour.
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nope.
gender predictions? Boy. Should find out by the Wednesday after next. 
what i miss? Smoked salmon! We have a tradition, going back more than 20 years since my mom first had breast cancer - we do Race for the Cure together. For the last 10+ years, it's been followed by breakfast which always included bagels (gluten free) and smoked salmon. I'm so sad to miss that tradition this year. 
what i'm looking forward to? I'm just praying for good NIPT results in the coming days. I can't bring myself to hope, given our history. If all is well, I'll be thrilled to find out the gender. 
how are you feeling? Awful. More puking in the last two days that in the past weeks. The reglan worked amazingly well in every way, and I'd still be on it except for the fact that it made me start lactating. I couldn't figure out why my boobs were hurting so badly, until suddenly it became clear after a shower Thursday morning. So, back to nausea, burping, puking, and constipation. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? I've gained so much more weight. Last time I was still down 7 pounds at the end of the second tri. Now I"m up 4 with two weeks to go. I need to be more careful about my eating, so I don't cause problems for myself and the lego. 

9 weeks

We've made it through another milestone: 2nd ultrasound! It was pretty awesome. The kiddo has grown quite a bit, and actually wiggled at us. Seeing the heartbeat never fails to amaze me. We have a long way to go, and the farthest ahead I can think is the next milestone, but for today I am pregnant and love the little wiggler!

how far along? 9 weeks

how are you measuring? Depends on who is counting. Based on LMP, I was spot on during Wednesday's ultrasound - 8w6d. Based on ovulation, I'm one day ahead. Since I triggered and know when I ovulated, I'm confident in this, but it seems the doctors will keep the LMP date.
size of baby? table grape

heartbeat?  171 at 8 weeks 6 days! So happy about this.
total weight gain/loss? Somewhere between 1 and 2 lbs. 
maternity clothes? Nope, but I am consistently wearing my "fat" pants for comfort.
stretch marks? Nothing new.
sleep?  Nausea's been getting worse so I've been going to bed earlier with unisom/b6. 
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit. DH got me red starburst and they're awesome. I definitely have fewer aversions this time, and on good days I'm able to eat healthier this pregnancy than last.
gender predictions? Boy. Completely sure this is a boy. After getting a UTI at ovulation, I had to take Azoo, which makes you pee orange. Thus I'm referring to the baby as Clem (short for Clementine), for now, and have been pitching that as baby's name. Drives DH nuts! :)
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. At least my toilets are clean, because I've been spending more quality time up close and personal with them.
what i'm looking forward to? Waiting for the genetic counselor to call me about NIPT testing. Hopefully we can do that appointment the day I get back from my trip. IT'll be two weeks for results - and that's the next milestone I an terrified of. I want to get that over with. Why is the unknown so hard?  Also looking forward to weaning from progesterone and estrogen. Oh, to be done with smurf crotch would be a wondrous thing!
how are you feeling? Bad in the mornings, ghastly at night. It feels like nothing I eat moves during the day, so my stomach is so bloated and distended by evening, and I want to puke constantly. I started Reglan today, which should help. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? As bad as the nausea is, it must be better than last time, because last time I couldn't bear to be at a computer if I didn't have to, and this time, here I am. No weight loss this time. My thyroid function is still normal this time (1.4) as opposed to hyperthyroid last time (.2). Only had to use my puke bucket in the car once so far, as opposed to every day. 

8 weeks

Depending on how Wednesday's appointment goes, this may be my last one of these, but I figure it won't hurt to type, even if it is. 

how far along? 8 weeks
how are you measuring? I was spot on during the ultrasound 4/10. We'll see what's going on this coming Wednesday. 
size of baby? kidney bean
heartbeat?  116 at 6 weeks 3 days - praying we still see one and it's on target at 8 weeks 5 days
total weight gain/loss? 1 lbs, although I think it's bloat
maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm hoping I'll get to wear them again, but not ready to plan for it.
stretch marks? I've got some on my boobs from last time. I went up a cup size with the girls, and that seems to be sticking around.
sleep?  Thanks to the nausea, I'm taking B6 and half a unisom at night. That's getting me more sleep than normal. Also, this really weird thing happens to me in pregnancy where I pee LESS during the night than my normal every-2-hours. I've been told I have a titled uterus. Maybe pregnancy keeps it from pressing on my bladder?
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit. DH got me red starburst and they're awesome.
gender predictions? Boy. Completely sure this is a boy.
what i miss? Not feeling constantly awful. Seeing a correlation between dietary fiber and regularity.
what i'm looking forward to? On the baby front, I got really nervous about having my OB appointment before my next u/s with the RE, so I moved the u/s. It's Wednesday now. I'm terrified, but wll feel better once I know the outcome. If there isn't a heartbeat any longer, I can discuss management options with my OB later that day at my OB appt. On the non-baby front, only about two weeks left until I get to visit friends and family back in CA. 
how are you feeling? Unless I'm really hungry, I feel pretty awful. The retching still isn't as bad as last time, and I've only had to run for the toilet twice so far, but any time I eat, no matter what or how little, the gas and the nausea are awful. Friday morning I promised myself I wouldn't have to move at all this weekend, and I may keep that promise. Acne seems to be tapering off, but all of a sudden I've got tons of canker sores. Bleh. 
comparisons to last pregnancy? No weight loss this time, although that may be coming as I reach the point where I start avoiding meals rather than feeling awful. No need to have a bucket in my lap for my evening commute. Food aversions and super nose just started this week, which is late compared to last time. More bloated.

7 weeks

I've never done this before, because the first time it seemed too optimistic (it was) and with the twins I was too sick to sit at a computer. It's still too optimistic, but what the heck, let's try this time.

how far along? 7 weeks
how are you measuring? I was spot on during the ultrasound on Tuesday.
size of baby? size of a blueberry
heartbeat?  116 at 6 weeks 3 days
total weight gain/loss? 0 lbs
maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm hoping I'll get to wear them again, but not ready to plan for it.
stretch marks? I've got some on my boobs from last time. I went up a cup size with the girls, and that seems to be sticking around.
sleep?  Thanks to the nausea, I'm taking B6 and half a unisom at night. That's getting me more sleep than normal. Also, this really weird thing happens to me in pregnancy where I pee LESS during the night than my normal every-2-hours. I've been told I have a titled uterus. Maybe pregnancy keeps it from pressing on my bladder?
movement? Nope.
food cravings? Nothing. Citrus and fruit flavors reduce the nausea bit.
gender predictions? Boy. I am so sure this is a boy.
what i miss? Not feeling nauseous. Being hopeful that things might work out. I'm not sure why getting pregnant makes me less hopeful, but it does.
what i'm looking forward to? On the baby front, I'm just waiting for the next ultrasound on the 27th. I'll be 8 weeks, 6 days. The last two mornings there's been zero bloat when I woke up. That never happened with the girls, but did happen with my MMC. I am so scared there won't be a heartbeat any more. On the non-baby front, I will be visiting friends and family in my home state in early May, and I'm really looking forward to that.
how are you feeling? Nauseous. Not as bad as last time, and I have moments of feeling normal, but I also have moments of feeling awful. Also I've got all the burps in the world, and nothing short of Draino will get my digestive system moving.
comparisons to last pregnancy? Most of the symptoms are more mild - except maybe the slow digestive system. I've also got a ton of acne this time, which once again makes me think boy instead of girl.

116

116.

116 beats per minute. That's the little heart beat we saw this afternoon. Despite infections, inflammation, and sub optimal follicles, this little one is certainly trying.

So the nausea of the past few weeks isn't entirely psychosomatic, because we have a heartbeat. Baby is measuring 6 weeks 3 days, which is spot on compared to ovulation. I'll spare you the grainy ultrasound photos, but you can imagine a blob. It's a blob I am already in love with.

I see my OB for the first time in two weeks, and then have another ultrasound with my RE the day after. I am cautiously hopeful, but I won't say optimistic. I don't think there's going to be optimism in this pregnancy, not after how the last one turned out. There is love - I love all 5.5 mm of this little one. I'm still talking to him daily (no idea the gender, but I'm 99.999% sure in my soul it's a boy this time, so I'll go with male pronouns until I find out otherwise). I've been asking his sisters and grandparents to watch over him and keep him healthy. I've been asking him to grow strong and healthy. We'll see what the coming weeks bring.

Should be Easier

There are a lot of things in life that shouldn’t be as hard as they are. Understanding tax laws. Picking paint colors. Dealing with CVS Caremark. Finding time to be healthy. All of those could and should be easier, but aren’t. Adding another one to the list: finding a support group for recurrent miscarriage or perinatal loss. Or a pregnant again after loss group. Despite the fact that I’m an introvert and generally don’t like groups, I’ve really felt the need for some contact, in person, with others who have been through this. It’s an especially strong feeling right now, as I’m early in another pregnancy and trying to deal with fear of likely outcomes and anxiety about the unknown.

Things reached a point this week that I decided to reach out to my company’s EAP program. We actually have two on-site EAP therapists/counselors. They’re both licensed psychologists who see employees to address a variety of issues. They were able to get me in for an appointment the day I called, and it was helpful to talk one on one with someone. The therapist I spoke with said she’d look for a support group that might fit my needs, and she called me back after the appointment with a recommendation on a local one. It sounded perfect: great location for me and on weekends when I’d be able to go without worrying about my work schedule.

I checked the provider’s website, and it looked like the session was just for those post-loss, not yet pregnant, so I called to confirm what my options were, and what the cost might be. What did I discover? There are no longer any in-person support groups. Due to low demand, they’ve all been canceled. When I tried to join a support group last year, right after losing the girls, the one closest to me held its last in-person meeting the week before I could attend, then switched to on-line only.

For now, I can see one of the therapists from this group one on one, but that’s my only option. I may still do that, because there are several who specialize in recurrent miscarriage, late term loss, and infertility, and if this pregnancy continues, I may need that support. But I can also continue to see the great EAP therapist, who works one floor up from me and for whom appointments are both free and super convenient. I am grateful that at least THAT is easy, but man, I wish a support group was easier to find, too.

Nueroticism, Thy Name is Symptom Spotting

I've gone a bit neurotic. There, I said it. Admitting is half the battle, no?

What am I neurotic about? Symptoms, of course. Now, let's set the stage here: this is my fifth pregnancy and I have zero living children. The odds of this pregnancy not being successful are probably higher than the odds of bringing home a healthy baby. So I think it's accurate to say I come by my neuroticism fairly. It still makes me laugh at myself and question my sanity, though!

Case in point - nausea this week. I've had off and on nausea most days this week. At times when I was feeling nauseous, my mind kept thinking, "It's too early. I shouldn't be nauseous at only 4 weeks x days. I didn't have symptoms until 5-something last time and I didn't get nauseous until 6.4 or so. It's all in my mind or something is wrong!"  At times when I'm not feeling nauseous, I find myself thinking, "Why don't I feel any symptoms? Why am I not burping? Why am I not sick? The baby must have stopped growing. Something is wrong, it's going to be another MMC!"

None of this is helpful in the slightest. At 5 weeks 1 day, symptoms come and go and mean nothing. I know that. I know it's ludicrous to worry about both having and not having the same symptoms. I own my neuroticism.

Still, why aren't I feeling nauseous or gassy right now, I just ate breakfast?!? ;)

Baby #6, Beta #2

Still pregnant. Our little embryo is clearly trying. Today's beta was 137.7. According to the Babymed calculator, given the 43.5 hour time lapse between the two, that's a doubling time of 42.15 hours.

Do I feel good about this? I feel ok, not great. Last time I went from 249 to 877 in roughly 24 hours. I'm clearly not doing as well this time, and my beta is still on the low side of normal, per beta-base (median hcg for 15 dpo is 194). If I'd never been through my last pregnancy, I'd probably be feeling much better about these numbers, but the comparison effect is hitting me hard, and I can't share my fears of aneuplodies or blighted ovums with these numbers.

Still, for today, I am pregnant. For today, I can assume that there's an embryo growing and trying in there. For today, I'm going to continue talking to it and telling it to be strong and healthy. For today, I'll continue with the progesterone and estrace and hope for the best.

I go in for my first ultrasound on 4/10. Here's hoping for darkening lines and no bleeding between now and then.

Baby #6, Beta #1

I got the phone call last night. Actually I got two - two nurses both rushed to be the first to call me, which was either genuinely sweet, or an indication of how bad my clinic's internal communications are.  (Side note: Let's just say that the people at the clinic are all absolutely sweet and compassionate, but no fewer than three people asked me if I was getting blood work done because I'd had a positive home test, despite me calling and saying "Hi, this is Me. I'm 15 days past trigger and got a positive home pregnancy test, so I'm calling to schedule blood work." Their internal communications are the pits.)

Anyhow, at 13 dpo, my hcg is 67. Pregnant. A bit less than the median hcg of 86 reported on betabase. Drastically lower than the 249 at this same dpo with the girls. Still undeniably pregnant.

So I return on Saturday to retest and we see if my hcg rises as it should. Doubling time should be approximately 48 hours, so we're hoping for a 140 or so. I'm not holding my breath, given my history and how this cycle has gone.

I am feeling so many emotions right now. None of them are good. Here's the thing: starting out TTC in October 2015, I was adamant about only wanting one child. I wasn't interested in the challenges, the costs, the physical demands, or the stress of two. I just wasn't. I am an only child, I liked that lifestyle, and I wanted that for DH and I. I truly, truly did not want two children.

Despite that, when I saw the girls' heartbeats for the first time, nothing has ever felt so right to me in my life. And when we found out both were healthy girls, I could not have been more overjoyed. I don't have words to explain how utterly perfect everything about that situation seemed. It was as if something I didn't even know I had dreamed of had come true. Despite the constant retching, I was so happy because my family felt "right" to me.

Today doesn't feel right. I have this awful feeling that if today's beta had come back strong, if I had the sense that this pregnancy was twins, I would feel so much better. Instead, I feel this sense of loss, knowing that this is, at best, a single baby. Knowing that at most there's one baby growing in me leaves me feeling like I've lost what my future was supposed to be - what the dream I didn't know I had until I had it was. I feel like I can't possibly love this one baby as much as I love the girls. And I feel so fucking guilty for feeling this way. It's unfair to that baby. It's horrific, when I interact with so many amazing ladies who would give anything to have a single baby. It's what my life would have been if my first, second, or third pregnancies had gone to term. It's what I wanted right up until that first ultrasound last August.  Why can't I be happy, that maybe we'll finally bring a child home with us, from the hospital? I don't know, but I'll hope that it resolves as time passes.

Again

Once again, I see two pink lines. Once again, they're faint. Once again, in these early days, they don't seem to be getting darker. Once again, I wonder if theses are my lines - the lines that will lead to a THB.

Things I know:
These lines are definitely lighter than the ones with Alexis and Zoe. No twins thsi time, for sure.

Wondfos are notoriously inaccurate in gauging hcg levels, but the presence of two lines indicates there is an embryo in there.

Blastocysts grown in vitro can produce hcg in concentrations > 5. Wondfos can pick up hcg at concentrations of 8 or greater (based on my past CPs, with hcg of 8 and 14, both of which produced two lines on a Wondfo).

I had horrific night sweats Tuesday night. Soaked through the bed and needed to chnage clothes twice. This typically happens to me during the follicular phase. I can't recall if it happened during early pregnancy.

My BBT has not shifted up yet, although it didn't with the girls, either.

I felt lightly sick - sore throat and stuffy nose all weekend.

We'll see what the next few days bring. I'm much more zen about things this time. I'm ready to get on to the next cycle, as I never expected this one ot work, but I'm also talking ot the little embryo daily, telling it ot hang on and grow up healthy and strong.

Here's to the mind fuck that is pregnancy after many losses.

Like Mother, Like . . . .

I know I've been absent for a while. Too long. In this case, no news is a combo of good news and horrible morning sickness.

Let's start with the morning sickness. Every day. Nausea. Burping, oh dear god the burping. Uncontrollable retching. Vomiting. The only time I didn't feel like death was when I was asleep. You'd think that's good, right? Because most pregnant women get really tired in the first trimester. During my first pregnancy, I got the best sleep of my life until it ended at 10 weeks. My head would hit the pillow, any time of day, and I'd be out.

Now? Nope. No sleep. Why, you ask? Because I've managed to develop a case of pregnancy-induced Graves Disease. That means that my thyroid has gone hyperactive. My heart is constantly racing and feels like it's pounding in my chest. My ability to sleep past 2 am is minuscule, and I have trouble falling asleep. Add those symptoms to horrific nausea and you get a really special brand of misery. It kept me off the computer unless I needed to be there, hence the radio silence.

I asked my OB for something for the nausea. At that point, I was down 7 pounds from my starting weight, which I told her. Her response? "Yes, it's worse with twins. Try eating crackers." It was a 'let them eat cake' moment if ever one existed. Needless to say, I'll be seeing other OBs in the group from here on out.

But that takes us to the good news portion. Two weeks ago, I went to the U of M's MFM center for CVS testing on the babies. After that, DH and I held our breaths and waited for the next shoe to drop. It never did! The FISH results revealed two healthy girls! We are over the moon excited.

I got the babies' full karyotypes back yesterday. The genetic counselor was great and told me everyone was healthy. Then she told me that Baby A is a totally normal 46xx, while Baby B is a 46xx with a pericentric inversion of chromosome 9. I guess there's no denying that one is mine!

I am madly in love and desperately hopeful that I'll start feeling human again soon.

Maybe They Are

Maybe they are. . . my lines, that is. Second ultrasound was on Tuesday. I've been really nauseous. I threw up for the first time over the weekend, and it's been mind over matter to keep from heaving at various points since then.

Despite that, the 'what ifs' crept in.

What if your morning sickness is just psychosomatic?
What if they stopped developing, but your hcg is still up so you're still sick?
What if they turn out to have heads shaped like cornmeal muffins, because that's the only thing you're eating?

It wasn't pretty.

The ultrasound on the other hand, that was pretty. Two perfect babies. They've gotten so much bigger since 6 weeks. We could see brains and spines and arm buds developing. And both had beautiful, strong heartbeats. Watching them on the ultrasound probably goes on the list of the most amazing experiences of my life.

So that's it. I'm released to my OB. I have two more weeks of smurf crotch, and then I get to go drug free!

We still have to clear the genetic testing hurdle, and I'm scared of that one. I found out last week that I have a mutation of the ATM gene on my chromosome 11. That means I'm screwed up on both 9 and 11. I worry about what that might mean for these babies. But I love them, and despite the nausea and the burping, I am so damn happy to be here - almost 9 weeks pregnant, with two babies who have heartbeats!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Remember when I mentioned how messed up it was to want morning sickness? I also mentioned that even though it's messed up, I still felt that way, because it would give me some confidence I was still pregnant with growing babies?

Um, yeah. I got my wish. And while it does actually provide some infinitesimal measure of comfort that my hcg level hasn't tanked, it also doesn't help stop the fears of: 'what if one stopped growing?', 'what if they're both growing, but there are genetic issues?', 'what if there are no heartbeats at the next ultrasound?'

I will try to chalk this up to learning points #1 and #2 of being a parent:
#1: Your kid(s) will make you sick. Maybe that's via pinkeye or the cold going around school. Maybe that's via morning sickness. Either way, get used to it, it's unlikely to stop soon!

#2: You will always worry about your kid(s). You'll worry while they're growing inside you. You'll worry when they're out and struggling with friends or school or any of the million things that kids struggle with. The fact that you love them and want the best for them pretty much consigns you to a life of at least some worry.

While I'm getting used to those learning points, I'm trying to keep food down and not going near the computer as much, because I have this odd motion sickness from focusing on the screen. Since I was the girl who loved riding in the backward facing seat in the station wagon, and who read voraciously while driving, motion sickness is entirely new. Still, if less computer time means less violent nausea, well then I'll write to you again in the second trimester!

A Miracle or Two

The last 11 days have been some of the roughest in my memory. I have bled every single day. I bled on days I stayed still. I bled on days I was active. I bled while sleeping and while sitting on the sofa. I also cramped.

I told myself those can all be normal pregnancy symptoms, because they can.

As for the rest of my symptoms, they vanished. No sore boobs. No nausea. Nothing.

I told myself that can be normal too.

So I took a few home pregnancy tests. The cheapies from China. The Wondfos. A week ago, they were distinctly lighter than they had been. Took one this morning, at 6 weeks, 3 days. For those of you not into peeing on things, the dilution of your urine can have an impact. I'd "held it" for 5.5 hours. The line? Lighter than it was back on 13 DPO when I had my first beta done and only "held" for 4 hours.

That? That I couldn't justify away. There's no logical reason for a super light line. Today was ultrasound #1, and with a light line, I figured there was no chance of a happy ending. I took the afternoon off work and planned on spending it coordinating a d&c in the coming days.

But I guess miracles do happen. Because yesterday, three days after my 10th wedding anniversary, and on the due date of my first loss, the ultrasound showed two perfect heartbeats.

We have a long way to go yet, but for this moment, I'm head over heels in love.